Finally, we managed to come up for air. I told her, "Janet, please let's get together again. Not just to study or to do homework but for us."She whispered, "Toro, I'd love to. I've never been asked out on a date, and Mom's actually been worried about it the last several months."Big Brother knows all about Bob and Natalie, so with their recommendation we won't have any trouble at all. I'll have to count this as my first date since I've never been out with anyone before -- even if it didn't start out that way, you've made it such a wonderful experience I'll cherish it forever."I told her softly, "Moonlight, it's probably too soon for this, but I'm falling in love with you."She whispered back, "And I with you, my Toro."I saw her to her door (same floor!), stumbled back to my apartment, fell into bed and relieved the pressure a couple of times. I dreamed of happiness and joy, of love and passion, of Janet's mouth and breasts pressed against me and of my mouth on her hard nipples.(Tuesday. I felt like I was out of my own body, watching myself cry, watching myself give in to the grief. I saw myself from a distance, the warmth of my mother's embrace around someone else's body. I could see my father crying, eyes red and filled with tears as he wrapped his arms around us.Even as I felt the sadness, I stood apart from it, not allowing myself to believe it true, not letting myself accept that my mother was telling the truth. "No!" I screamed. "No! She's not dead! No!" Oh, Penelope ... I'm so, so sorry..." Mom cried into my neck. "I'm so sorry..." No!" I screamed that word over and over until my throat had become too thick to speak. My eyes were on fire, my body thick, my mind heavy, and I felt utterly lost, not myself.We went to the hospital where she'd been taken a while later, all of us still crying. I was a zombie following blindly, shadowing my parents as they talked quietly to a doctor, then shuffling without thought along as we went to the morgue. My mom made me wait.
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